Taking Short-Cuts

I know when I'm about to fall for someone. I've seen the same things happening, and I have always felt the same way. I know the signs, and no matter how hard I avoid them, I still can't stop myself from feeling too drawn to someone. I tried to change, and for a while I have to say that I've become successful. I managed not to be so affectionate to one person and live my life normally. But at one point, IT will happen. I will forget the words chill, relax, cool, calm, etc. All I want is assurance from that person that his feelings for me are real and will not change. While I really try to go with the flow, something will just trigger that need in me to lay down the cards. I don't care if that might scare the guy away, as long as I get the answers I want now. I want to know what is and what is not. And I want straight answers, if what we have is going somewhere or not.

Some tell-tale signs that I'm into a person is when I feel irritated if he does not communicate with me like he used to. It's either he talks to me more often or just the same, but never less. Once I panic because I find the irregularity in his text messages or calls, then I'm hooked. I better get a good explanation for that because as they say if there's a will, there's a way. I hate lame excuses. If I easily feel bad when he says something negative about how I look, then I care about what that person thinks about me. Who wouldn't want to look and feel beautiful all the time for that man you secretly wish is yours? And once I start sending long emails, then that person has really grown special to me. I don't waste time composing emails or letters to someone I don't give a damn.

I'm starting to feel scared when these signs are happening... because I know that I am about to expose myself to another possible heartbreak. You don't have guarantees and assurances, all you've got are doubts and confusions. You want that time to come when both of you will know if you will commit with each other or not. But before that time arrives, you know that you have to go through a process, or a journey. But me? I'm stubborn. Most of the time, I want to skip that part. At the beginning, I'll enjoy it, but for some reason, I want to take the shorter way. I don't know why, but this has become a habit of mine. And my fear springs from my experience that short cuts can hurt you a lot. I hope to find that man who will be with me, despite the short cuts I'm fond of doing. Then I'll be willing to go the long, winding, rocky journey with him for the rest of my life.