Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Looking Back, Moving Forward

I’ve fallen many times - with someone new, with someone who’s just been there all along, with someone older, with someone younger, with someone so far away, with someone in a relationship, with someone who can’t commit… and the list can go on and on.

After every heartbreak, I tend to ask myself what went wrong – why it didn’t lead to a serious relationship, why things didn’t fall into place as expected, why the timing wasn’t right, and why is it always a short-lived love affair.

Then I realized that I shouldn’t waste time contemplating on what I might have done wrong. In the same way, I shouldn’t busy myself analyzing someone’s reasons for letting something that could have been special fall apart just like that. Because the answer lies in the fact, that things happen because both parties let it happen. And it’s never the accountability of just one person. Cliché as it may sound, it really takes two to tango.

Most of the time, I find myself falling for a person in different ways. The result is I also get hurt in different ways. And the brief connection or relationship breaks in various ways due to various reasons.

Here are the “someones” I have encountered in my life, some would be a mixture of two or several of these types. I recall what is it in them and what we had that made me believe in a happy ever after ending. Here, I also analyzed why after all the great times, things just didn’t work out.

• Someone new – Everything is bright and rosy. Your hopes are high that this may be the one thing you’ve been looking for. You tell yourself, he can be “the one.” It’s refreshing to fall for someone you’ve just met. You fulfill your fantasy of having soul mates and fairytale romance.

The catch: I fell in love with the idea of love. I liked the idea of something brand new, but not necessarily like everything about the person. Perhaps it was infatuation, but not really love.

• Someone who’s just been there all along – It was a pleasant surprise. Having a close friend who’s around for ages is sweet. But realizing that you are falling for someone you really knew from head to food is sweeter. No need for the awkward getting-to-know phase, because you know everything about this person. It’s lovely how friendship can turn into romance.

The catch: I felt too secured with my comfort zone, including that close friend who’s been there all along. I had someone I can call 24/7 without hesitation and he’ll be there. But I liked the security more than the emotional attachment. There was no real spark, so to speak.

• Someone much older - There’s something classy and mysterious about older men. Most of them usually treat women with utmost adoration, it’s no wonder it’s easy to fall for them. Perhaps because of their age and experience, they know how a woman wants to be treated as they seem more sensitive and mature. You get to talk about anything under the sun from the mundane things to the intellectual-type of discussions. It’s exciting how they let you argue with them but let you win in the end, just because they want to please you.

The catch: I was not ready for something long-term. While I enjoy all the attention and affection, I was still struggling on my own, wanting to achieve many things. He was so stable already, and I was not. I wanted a life of my own, and he wanted a life of our own already.

• Someone younger – It makes you enjoy life more than you think you are enjoying it now. Younger men seem to look up to you, and they love the fact that they got the attention of someone older. While you can’t expect them to be with you always on the same plane when it comes to serious stuff in life, you can count on them for the good times. They re-introduce you to the carefree life, and let you be a child from time to time. And this is a refreshing treat for someone who’s too caught up with work or other important matters.

The catch: I like it when a man has plans. And apparently, he did not have a clear direction of his own life, so how can I rely on him to make plans for us? I tend to have a dominant personality. While I am a bit stubborn and appear to want to get what I always want, I secretly wish that the man has the ability to lead me and not the other way around. He didn’t have a clue of what he wants in life, while I have my life quite mapped out already.

• Someone so far away – It keeps you wanting for more. The prospect of long distance love affair is daunting yet exciting. It’s disheartening at first, as your doubts tend to overcome you. You don’t know if it will work, and you don’t know how it will succeed. But the exciting part is you establish that special connection that you cannot explain. What makes it more beautiful is you carry with you that hope that time will come that you’ll turn your plans and fantasies into reality.

The catch: Distance and time apart can make or break a relationship, more so if it’s just a special connection. Both factors let me nurture extraordinary feelings that I have not felt for anyone who’s just within my reach. I though it would lead to something better, but I guess I was not ready to wait for what seems like forever to be with him. There were a lot of uncertainties, and it killed my interest in the person and in the potential of a life-long partnership.

• Someone in a relationship – It gives you a taste of a bitter sweet love affair. Nobody wants to be second best. But when you chanced upon a person who makes your heart beat in an instant, you refuse to let him go- even it means that you are just second in his life. A man who is in a relationship seems quite attractive because you know that someone else finds him attractive too. Grabbing his attention thrills you because it means he cannot resist you even if he is committed to someone else. You try your best to avoid falling, but the more you do that, the more you get attached to him.

The catch: The fact that he is committed to someone else is the main catch. I ignored this at the onset, relying on that strong hope that he will like me more than the person he is with. Good thing I didn’t let myself be drawn to him seriously. I let him go, because I know I deserve to be first in someone else’s life.

• Someone who can’t commit – You’re in for a rollercoaster ride. He’s single and appealing, but you don’t know for sure why he can’t commit even if it is obvious that he is into you. He is not consistent with his words and actions, but you try to justify everything he say or do. He is everything that you want, but you find yourself always second-guessing his true feelings for you. He is the aggressive type, yet he balks when you begin to get serious. He is the assertive type, yet he cringes at the idea of settling down. He is close to perfection, close to your ideal man, and that’s the only thing that is good about him. And because you are secretly hoping that he’s “the one”, you try to wait, enjoy the moment, and tell yourself, that time will come that he will commit.

The catch: He simply won’t commit. And I had to let go of him to shield myself from useless pain in waiting and hoping. He even had a hard time expressing his feelings, or at least acknowledge that what we had was special. I don’t need this crap, so I moved on.

You see, I’ve fallen many times - with someone new, with someone who’s just been there all along, with someone older, with someone younger, with someone so far away, with someone in a relationship, with someone who can’t commit… and the list can go on and on.

These caused me sleepless nights and emotional outbursts, but I have to say that these experiences made me a stronger and wiser me. I bring with me meaningful lessons that I cannot learn from any school in the world. As they say, experience is the best teacher.

I am looking forward to another whole new world of experience, hopefully this time with that someone I will spend with the rest of my life. I will not just fall… but I will fall in love both with the person and with the idea of love. 


  1. naks naman.. nice post,bsb. :) very insightful and it's so you! you have indeed been through a lot and those experiences only made you stronger and more ready than ever to fall in love again, hopefully for the last time. :)

  2. thanks hehehe.. hopefully nga, last na! at tlgang it's so me pa talaga ha. hehe. ;)